When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
