It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
