Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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