our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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