tonight lets celebrate not being married
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
