You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
