ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
