3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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