When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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