he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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