Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
