Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize