I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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