I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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