you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So many bounce houses so little time
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
