Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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