Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
