Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
