Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just pee around me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
