I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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