I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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