I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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