YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
