My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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