i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
