i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
