how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
