I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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