nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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