im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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