just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
