Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
