I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
