We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
