I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
