We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
