Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
