hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
