My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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