Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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