If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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