Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
