grandma shit on top of the toilet
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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