She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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