8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I want to be your penis for a week.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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