The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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