I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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