I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize