lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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