Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
