every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
