TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
