I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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