no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
