and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
