Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
